Anger

Rev. JOHN L. ODHNER, New Church Life, 1989

“Give it back! Give it back! I hate you! I’m gonna kill you! Daddy! Daddy, he took my truck!”

“I had it first! I found it on the floor and she took it from me!”

The temperature was about 95 degrees inside the car. I was trying to weave through three lanes of rush-hour traffic to reach our exit. It took most of my concentration to avoid the merging cars. It didn’t help to look in my rear-view mirror and see one of my children climbing over the seat to pound on the one who had the truck. Another quick glance in the mirror told me that no cars were bearing down on me, so I quickly stepped on the brake hard enough to scare the kids without hurting them. Meanwhile I was shouting, “Cut out the fighting! You could’ve made us crash back there! Get back in your seatbelts! If I hear another word out of you I will put you out of the car and let you walk home!”

Most of us do not really enjoy anger, but whether we like it or not, it is a significant part of many of our close relationships. It is there, though we do not deliberately choose it. We don’t say, “This seems like a good morning to be angry,” the way we might say, “This seems like a good morning for cornflakes.” It is easy to turn off the burner under the cooking supper as soon as it is done. Or if I forget, I don’t mind being reminded. But anger does not have a convenient knob like the stove for turning it on and off. If someone says, “Your anger is boiling over!” I am not likely to respond with “Oh, thanks for reminding me! I forgot to turn it off!”

Almost all of us, at some level, would rather not feel angry, and we often do not know how to handle it. We never learned in school how to deal with anger. Often the patterns we developed as children helped us survive but do not help us now in facing anger. We may have learned to push it aside or hide it; to shout, swear and threaten; to cover it with jokes or sarcasm; to feel guilty about it. Our response to anger may be governed by certain conscious or unconscious assumptions, such as:

Good people never get angry.
We get angry because others make us angry.
We should feel angry only if we can justify the anger.
Showing our anger to others will help us feel better.
If I feel angry there is something wrong with me.
A person who speaks calmly and acts with restraint is not angry.
A rational, mature person can always keep his anger under control.

The assumptions we make about anger can have a very powerful influence on the way anger affects our relationships. When dealt with inappropriately, anger can be the cause of communication barriers, physical or emotional hurt, stress related physical illness, lost jobs, broken marriages, low self-esteem, car accidents, and broken dishes. Anger can ruin your day.

So how should we deal with anger? I suggest three steps for dealing with anger:

Become aware of the anger and accept it.
Understand the anger.
Take responsibility for the anger.

Which step you take first may depend on the state you are in at the time. Generally you will need to become aware of your anger before you can explore it and understand it in yourself. However, some people may need to understand more about anger in general before they can become aware of their own anger. The important thing is that we accomplish all three steps. If we become aware of the anger and understand it, but we do not take responsibility for it, little is accomplished. If we take responsibility for the anger without understanding it, our responses may be counterproductive.

Awareness and Acceptance

I make awareness and acceptance the first step in dealing with anger because often anger is repressed or disguised. Frequently people are angry without realizing that they are angry, or if they realize it they may try to convince themselves and others that they are not angry.

One of the reasons many people frequently repress or cover up their anger is that they assume that all anger is unhealthy or hurtful. They may feel that it is wrong to express anger, or that all anger should be shunned as evil. An important step for these people is to learn that anger can be healthy.

Do Good People Get Angry?

As I suggested above, one of the assumptions people sometimes make about anger is that good people do not get angry. In the New Church this assumption can be supported by the teaching in the Writings that evil people get angry while good people show “zeal” rather than anger. “Evil is angry and good never is . . .” (AC 10618). “With the angels there is not anger, but instead of anger there is zeal” (AC 4164; also 6997:6). “Anger has place with those who are in the loves of self and of the world, for they are also in evils of every kind; but zeal has place with those who are in love to the Lord and love toward the neighbor” (AE 693).

In these contexts the term “zeal” may be misleading. We may be used to thinking of an ordinary definition of zeal: “eager and ardent interest in the pursuit of something; fervor, enthusiasm, passion” (Merriam-Webster). Based on this description of zeal we would expect good people and evil people to behave quite differently under pressure. There are a few passages in the Writings which seem to fit this definition of zeal, particularly when they refer to a zeal for truth. However, when the Writings compare zeal with anger, they usually describe the zeal of a good person in rather strong terms: Zeal is “like fire of love blazing” (CL 358—italics added here and in what follows), a “violent heating of the natural man” (TCR 146:2), “it is burning anger”(CL 358). “When zeal is manifested, it does not appear as love but as an enraged enemy and foe fighting against one who does injury to his love” (CL 358). “When the life’s love is attacked, the heat of life is enkindled, resists, and breaks out against the assailant. Moreover, it acts as an enemy from its own force and power, which is as a flame of fire bursting out against him who rouses it” (CL 359). “For the purpose of defending itself, his external is rough, bristles up, and erects itself and so acts with severity” (CL 365). The eyes flash, the face flames, the voice is loud, vehement, sharp, and harsh (see CL 359, 363). These passages are all describing the zeal of a good love. Since zeal can be an intense, even violent feeling, I sometimes call it “healthy anger.”

Of course there are some very important differences between healthy anger (zeal) and unhealthy anger, as we shall see. But these differences are not visibly obvious. Outwardly zeal and anger may appear the same, even though there is quite a difference inwardly.

“In outer manifestation, the zeal of a good love and the zeal of an evil love are alike” (CL 363). “Zeal in the outward form appears like anger” (AC 3909). “Zeal is called anger in the Word . . . because it appears like anger in the outward form” (AE 693).

Another word closely related to anger is translated “jealousy” in Conjugial Love. We might think of “jealous” as the dictionary defines it: “demanding complete devotion, suspicious of a rival or of one believed to enjoy an advantage, vigilant, distrustfully watchful.” The Latin word here is zelotypia, which literally means “a type of zeal” or “a primary example of zeal.” Swedenborg uses this literal meaning to connect jealousy with zeal.

“The zeal for love truly conjugial is the zeal of zeals, since the love is the love of loves, and its delights (for which it is zealous) are the delights of delights. . . . Since the zeal of marriage love is the zeal of zeals, it is called by a new name, zelotypia, because it is the very type of zeal” (CL 367).

Like zeal, this jealousy or zelotypia is described in strong terms. It is “like a fire stirred up and darting out against those who molest” (CL 368), “like a fire blazing out against violation” (CL 371), “as a horn smiting the adulterer” (CL 372). Given Swedenborg’s previous description of zeal as “rage,” “anger,” “acting as an enemy” and “a flame bursting out,” we can see that zelotypia might also be called marital anger or the “anger of angers.” Actually the chapter in Conjugial Love entitled “Jealousy” could just as well have been titled “Anger in Marriage.”

Again, the zeal/jealousy/anger described here is the zeal of a good love, or the anger which a good person will feel when someone or something he loves is threatened, attacked or hurt. This anger is healthy and normal, from a spiritual love. To take an extreme example, it is normal and healthy for good, spiritual people to feel anger at rapists, kidnappers, drug dealers or murderers who threaten their family or neighbors. It is healthy for good people to feel anger when their marriages are threatened by addiction or adultery, or when their jobs are threatened by prejudice, apathy or greed, or when their children are hurt or molested.

As we shall see, all anger is a sign of love, an indication that we care about something or someone. It may be a sign that we care about ourselves, or about our marriage, or about our convenience, our possessions, our religion, our safety, our children, our pleasures, our ideals or our addictions. If the anger comes from a good, healthy love, it will probably be good, healthy anger. Healthy anger can protect children from being hurt. It can strengthen relationships by facing important issues directly, by showing others how much we care. Healthy anger can give us a sense of self worth, because we stand up for what we know is right. Healthy anger can move mountains of apathy and self-centeredness, waking people up to the danger or hurt that is around them.

Everyone Gets Angry

Some people may convince themselves and others that they are never angry, but they are probably mistaken. The Writings seem to indicate that virtually everyone must deal with anger, at least in this life. “Anger exists or is excited when anyone or anything goes contrary to anyone’s love” (AC 5034). “Everyone is angry when his love is attacked . . .”(AE 693). “Such anger pertains to every love, even the most peaceful” (CL 358).

The fact that everyone gets angry is not always obvious. Often anger is hidden, repressed, denied or covered by some other feeling or by polite behavior. Often the camouflage is so complete that people do not recognize their own anger.

Why Anger Is Not Recognized

The fact that anger can be useful, powerful and healing is one reason why we should become aware and accepting of it. The belief that all anger is bad is one reason why sometimes we don’t. There are other reasons why people fail to identify or accept their anger.

For example, the Writings give reasons why some people do not feel jealousy/zeal/anger when their marriage is threatened by adultery. Some of the reasons may be:

They do not value the marriage.
They do not value their honor.
They believe that jealousy is unhealthy and useless.
They want to avoid the stigma attached to jealousy.
They are afraid of causing domestic problems.
They have something to gain by tolerating their partner’s behavior.
(paraphrased from CL 376)

There is no suggestion that any of these reasons are valid and good. In fact, a previous passage (CL 371) indicates that partners who really care about each other would feel jealousy/anger under those same conditions. Although these examples refer to marriage, we might generalize from them about reasons why people may suppress any kind of anger:

They do not care about the issue.
They do not value their own rights.
They believe that anger is unhealthy and useless.
They want to avoid the stigma attached to anger.
They are afraid of stirring up trouble.
They may have something to gain by tolerating another person’s hurtful behavior.

Beyond this short list, the Writings give other reasons why anger may not be recognized. One reason is concern about what other people may think of us if we show anger.

Fear of Rejection

Perhaps the most basic of all human needs is the need to love and be loved. Giving love without receiving love is not enough. “Love wants to be loved; this is implanted in it. And in proportion as it is loved back, it is in itself and in its delight” (DP 92:2).

This need to be loved is the fundamental reason why we all have a fear of rejection. Even the Lord has a need to be accepted and loved, because it is inherent in His infinite love (ibid.). Often people are afraid to express anger because they fear that others will not like it. In a regenerate person, this fear is healthy.

A regenerate person will have a fear of doing anything to harm those he loves (see AC 8925, 7280, 3718). Of course, anger can be very harmful, especially when it involves aggression, contempt, cruelty or revenge. There is nothing wrong with avoiding such angry behavior out of fear that others may withdraw from you. In fact, it is healthy and spiritual to do so.

There is also an unhealthy aspect to the fear of rejection. As love becomes twisted by selfish desires, the need to be loved also becomes distorted. A spiritually sick or immature person may want to be accepted not for the sake of a genuine relationship, but for the sake of status, influence or money. He will be quite concerned about what other people may think of him to the extent that he can use those other people in some way to gain power or pleasure. His fear of rejection is what the Writings describe as a fear of losing reputation, honor or favor.

This kind of fear of rejection motivates many people who would otherwise be vengeful and cruel to curb the expression of their angry feelings. They seem to “outwardly bridle their selfish desires, chiefly in order to acquire the reputation of being wise and of loving justice and goodness, but with the end of getting honors and gain” (AC 5 159:2). These people “treasure in their hearts contempt for the neighbor, they breathe revenge, they take delight in his ruin, and even practice cruelties so far as they dare,” but they are restrained by the love of reputation and

honor (see AC 2910:2; see also 7437e, 8870:2, CL 267:3, DP 73, DLW 415:2).

By the way, good people may also be concerned about their reputation (see AC 9210:2), and they may make pretenses of friendship and caring, but if will be from a good motive (see CL 279-289, AC 3993:12, 1317e), and their primary fear will be fear of hurting another.

Unfortunately, a person who is evil will restrain his anger only when it suits his purpose. As soon as you stop treating him like one of your preferred clients, he is likely to blow his stack. “Anyone who loves himself either holds in contempt or reviles or hates everybody else who does not serve him or who does not further his interests or who fails to show him favor; and in hating he breathes nothing but revenge and cruelty” (AC 2045:2; see also AC 7280:2). This kind of person wants to be “served, respected and adored” (AC 2057:3), and cannot tolerate rejection or anger in other people. He lives by the rule: “If you get angry with me, I will get twice as angry back.” (The only exception is when he might lose status by displaying anger. Then his rule is “I don’t get angry; (just get even,”)

How do we respond to this irresponsible venting of anger? Our response may depend on our own spiritual maturity. Unfortunately, many people interact on the level of what the Writings call “merely natural good” (AC 3469:4). They are naturally “nice.” They respond to the venting of anger by tiptoeing around it, making every effort not to set the touchy person off (which suits him fine). Because of their heredity, upbringing or experiences, they find it easier to be nice than to be confronting. They are friendly and caring not from any spiritual motive but from habit, or from concern about what others may think. Such people don’t care much for spiritual truth (see AC 3963e, 5032:4), and can easily be duped into thinking that good is evil and evil is good because they do not have strong principles (see AC 6208). They often allow themselves to be victimized by the evil, and sometimes complain about the hellish people around them (see AC 5032, 4988, 7761, 8002:2, 6208, NJHD 83:4).

Dominating, manipulative people who cannot tolerate anger in others, and who have short tempers themselves, often seek out such “nice guys” to be their patsies and victims (cf. LJ 56, 70, AE 783:5, SD min 4717, 4719). The sick relationships these people form with each other are sometimes called in the Writings “friendships of love,” or “interior friendships” (see TCR 446455, AC 4045, 4804, Faith 21, SD 4524). Good people often suffer a great deal by forming these close relationships before considering how sick the other person is spiritually and emotionally (ibid.).

A person who is afraid to show anger because it might make someone else angry is in danger of being manipulated by any angry or controlling person who comes along. Furthermore, being afraid of other people’s disapproval may interfere with our spiritual growth by closing the internal mind and preventing reformation (see DP 139:5).

Fear makes a person’s heart melt when it comes to a real battle against evil (see AE 734:13). As the Lord said to Israel, “Today you are on the verge of battle with your enemies; do not let your heart faint, do not be afraid, and do not tremble or be terrified because of them” (Deut. 20:3). The most frequent commandment the Lord gives us is, “Fear not!” The reason is that spiritual people should not have the kind of fear that merely natural people have (see AE 696:24). They should fear God, not men (cf. W 69:2, Matt. 10:28, Luke 12:5, Isa. 4:7, Psa. 56:4).

People who stand up for their principles will not always be respected. Jesus said to His disciples, You will be hated by all for My name’s sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved. . . . Therefore do not fear them” (Matt 10:22, 26; cf. Luke 21:12-19). In our context this means, ‘Do not be afraid that your zeal may make other people angry or reject you.’

Sexual Differences in Expressing Anger

Very often women will be more restrained in their expression of anger. This difference may be partly due to our cultural expectations or assumptions that women should be “nice” and never get angry. It is also due to the natural differences between men and women. With a man jealousy/zeal tends to be “a flame of wrath and anger, while with a woman jealousy/zeal tends to be restrained by various fears, by attitudes toward her husband, by her own feelings about love, and by concerns about showing via her anger how much she cares (see CL 379). Much of this restraint comes from the awareness that a husband will often react coldly to his wife’s anger by emotionally abandoning her.

“It is different with spiritual people.” A spiritually growing woman will learn to express anger more openly, and a spiritually growing man will learn to accept the anger instead of reacting coldly. “The man’s jealousy is transferred to the wife,” so that the expression of anger is the same in both (CL 379).

Projection

Another reason why anger may not be recognized is that sometimes we project our anger (and other feelings) onto other people. A person who is angry will be quick to see anger in other people and will tend to interpret others’ behavior as coming from anger even when it is not. This projection originates with the normal, healthy tendency we have to see things in terms of our own feelings.

“To him who is glad at heart, all things that he hears and sees appear smiling and joyful; but to him who is sad at heart, all things that he sees and hears appear sad and sorrowful; and so in other cases” (AC 420).

This tendency begins with the Lord, who sees in everyone a reflection of His own Divine love and wisdom. “The Divine can regard only the Divine; and it can regard the Divine nowhere but in things created by Itself” (DP 53). The Lord’s view of the human race is like a person looking at his own reflection in a mirror (see DP 52). The same is true for each of us. We can only understand and relate to others by the way we see our own thoughts and feelings reflected in them. The more another person shares our outlook, experiences or priorities, the more readily we relate to him.

A person who is good will tend to see only the good in others, and a person who is evil will see only the evil in others (see AC 1079). What makes projection unhealthy is that we may project our feelings onto other people and fail to realize that those same feelings are in us. We convince ourselves that the anger belongs to someone else as a defense mechanism to help us avoid admitting our anger, or to avoid taking responsibility for it.

Just as people project their feelings onto other people, they project their feelings onto God. “The Lord appears to everyone according to his state” (AC 1838, HH 159). “With the merciful You will show Yourself merciful; with a blameless man You will show Yourself blameless; with the pure You will show Yourself pure; and with the devious you will show Yourself shrewd” (2 Samuel 22:26, 27).

To angry people the Lord appears angry. They believe that the Lord is angry, when in reality it is they who are angry with the Lord. Their own anger and evil brings evil consequences on them, but they blame those consequences on God’s anger with them (see AC 3131:3, 5798, 8483, 6997, 10618, AR 658, 673, AE 684:13). Because they are projecting their anger onto the Lord and other people, they do not see it or accept it in themselves.

Misdirection

Another reason why anger may be hard to identify is that it is sometimes misdirected. A person may show anger toward her children when her real (unrecognized) anger is toward her husband. Or a salesperson may give his customer a hard time because he is angry with his boss.

One reason for this misdirection is that we may be afraid or perhaps unable to confront the person we are originally angry with. Instead, we vent our anger on someone less threatening. A form of this happens with evil spirits. They want to kill the Lord but they can’t, so they try to kill people who love Him instead (see TCR 312).

Another reason for misdirection lies in the nature of unhealthy anger. A person who is in unhealthy anger wants to hurt others, but a person who is in healthy anger inwardly intends good to others, even the person he is angry with. “For this reason he who is in zeal can be good instantly, and when in the very act can be good toward others, but not he who is in anger” (AC 4164). In other words, a person in unhealthy anger spreads his anger around, while a person in healthy anger focuses his anger on the specific issue or person which offended him.

It was an old custom with some nations when one person sinned, to punish his friends or family as well (see AC 5764). Some people still do this with their anger by venting it on everyone around when one person offends them. But this custom comes straight from hell (ibid.).

Hidden Anger

Often anger is unhealthy. When anger is spawned by resentment, hate or contempt, it can be very destructive, quite evil. And all evil tends to hide itself, make itself look good and proper. So we find that this hurtful anger may thinly disguise itself as sarcasm, passive aggressive behavior, or righteous indignation, or it may more carefully hide itself behind politeness, rationalization, sweetness, procrastination, forgetfulness, hard work, or any number of other behaviors which camouflage the underlying resentment and contempt.

Earlier we mentioned the fact that everyone gets angry. One reason for this is that any kind of evil has anger within it. “An evil man is always angry against God” (AC 10618:3). “They who are in evil are indignant and angry against the good” (AC 8875). “In all evil there is anger against the Lord and against the holy things of the church” (AE 693:4). “All evil conceals in itself anger against what is good” (AC 693:7).

Most of the time this anger lies hidden, concealed, inwardly stored up (see AE 693, AC 7280e). One might suppose that such anger might just as well remain hidden. However, as long as it is unrecognized, it cannot be properly dealt with. One passage describes love of self as “the deadliest enemy of God,” which is inwardly in every person. “If you do not recognize it-”the passage continues, “for it does not desire to be recognized-it dwells securely, and guards the door lest man should open it” (DP 210).

“Evils cannot be removed unless they appear” (DP 278). This does not mean that a person should do evil or vent anger just to make it appear, but that he should explore his thoughts, “All evil which does not appear finds fuel for itself. It is like fire in wood under the ashes, and like corrupt blood in a wound that is not opened; for all evil that is kept in increases, and does not cease until it is all finished” (DP 278a:5). “Evils increase daily if not removed by actual repentance” (AR 836), and they cannot be removed until we are aware of them and accept their reality. Of course, unhealthy anger is the same way.

Accepting Anger

Once we become aware of our anger, we need to be able to accept it. We may be aware of anger, and yet have a hard time accepting it. One reason for accepting anger is because it may be healthy. If we take the position that all anger is bad and that angry behavior should be avoided, then healthy anger will also be repressed. Potentially, this could not only cripple us emotionally and even physically, but it could also mean that hurt could come to those we might otherwise have protected. Good healthy anger needs to be accepted.

A second reason why anger needs to be accepted has to do with unhealthy anger as well. In this context, the fact that we may accept anger does not mean that we necessarily approve of it or condone it. Rather, it means that we accept the reality of the anger, and we accept as valuable the person who feels the anger. Acceptance means being able to say “I’m angry,” and then going forward without denying, justifying, or being paralyzed with guilt.

Accepted by God

Ultimately, our ability to accept our feelings is tied to our sense of being accepted by God. If we believe that in spite of our imperfections and faults we are accepted by God, then we have a basis for accepting ourselves. If, on the other hand, we inwardly feel that we are not good enough to be accepted by God, then we will have a harder time accepting ourselves and handling rejection by others.

A concept which has in the past been popular in the Christian Church is that God demands perfect righteousness. God cannot accept human beings as they are, because all of us fall short of completely obeying God’s laws, and therefore all of us are deserving of eternal punishment from God. According to this theory, to make up for this lack in the human race, God sent His Son, whose perfect life could be accepted in the place of our imperfect lives, and whose death could be accepted in place of our punishment of eternal death demanded by God’s “justice” (see Faith 44).This theory about God leaves one with (at best) some confusion about whether God loves people or would just as soon see them suffer. And one may wonder what kind of anger this God must have that He can only be appeased by witnessing His Son’s crucifixion. This God can only accept us if our sins are “covered by the blood of Christ.” He can accept Christ in our place, but He cannot accept us as we truly are. If we say “I believe” and pretend that we are saved, He will accept us for what we pretend to be, but not for what we are. And if we treat people well and try to do God’s will and happen to have the wrong beliefs, He will throw us into hell fire to burn to eternity, rather than accept us the way we are.

If we are in doubt about whether God can accept our anger, we may feel uncertain whether it will be accepted by others, and whether we should acknowledge it even to ourselves. Some of the results of not feeling accepted by God, ourselves or others because of our anger may be:

We feel very guilty for being angry.
We pretend we are not angry.
We justify it, make excuses.
We try to control the anger.
We form knee-jerk reactions to the anger.
We end up feeling even angrier.

A healthier concept of God is that He loves everyone all the time, regardless of what they may have done or felt. “God never turns His face from man, and never casts man away from Himself; He casts no one into hell and is angry with no one . . . . And as He never turns Himself away from him He deals with him from goodness, love and mercy, that is, wills good to him, loves him, and is merciful to him”(HH 545). He is not a God who sends His Son to die, but one who comes to earth Himself, because He loves us and wants to be close to us and to help us in our struggles. “If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Psa. 139:9). He always understands how we feel, and never judges us for feeling that way. When the anger is healthy anger, God sees the love that motivates it. When the anger is unhealthy, He wants to help us in our struggle with it, so that through the struggle we may experience forgiveness and healing. Of course, He does not approve of unhealthy anger, because it causes so much pain. But He accepts it. He loves us in spite of it. He can work around it. He can help us face it honestly.

Knowing that we are accepted by God gives us one of the most powerful forces known to mankind: hope (cf. AC 6097, 2338, 1107, 5674:2). Knowing that God is on our side gives us an acceptance of our past, a confidence in our future and courage for the present. Some of the results of feeling accepted (in spite of our anger) by God, ourselves and others may be:

We acknowledge our anger to God and others.
We describe it honestly.
We rationally decide whether the anger is appropriate.
We can ask the Lord and others for help with the anger.
We can choose to express the anger in a fitting way.
We start to feel better about our relationships.

Being aware of our anger and accepting it will not in itself solve our problems. If we are unaware of our anger or do not accept its validity and reality, there is little we can do about it. When we hide or deny it, justify or project it, we are finding ways not to deal with it. When we do accept it, we have made progress, but we still need to understand our anger and take responsibility for it.

Understanding Our Anger

One reason we need to understand our anger is so we can decide how to act on it. For example, it may be either good, healthy anger or bad, unhealthy anger, and each of these might be handled in a different way. The questions in this section may give you insight that will help you know how to deal with your anger.

Where does the anger come from?

Anger is often a result of other feelings. Behind the anger is some hurt or fear, and behind the fear or hurt is some love. When someone or something you love is attacked, it causes hurt or pain which in turn causes anger.

“Everyone is angry when his love and the delight of his love are attacked. All wrath and anger are from this source. The reason is that everyone’s love is his life, wherefore to injure the love is to injure the life, and when this is injured, there takes place a commotion of the mind, and consequently anger and wrath” (AE 693).

“Anger exists or is excited when anyone or anything goes contrary to anyone’s love through which there is a relationship with anyone or anything. When this relationship is broken, the person is wrathful or angry, as though something had been lost from the delight of his life. This sorrow is turned into grief, and grief into anger” (AC 5034. cf. 5080).

“When cut off from its delights, all love is such that it breaks out into indignation and anger, in fact into fury. Therefore, if the love is touched, especially the ruling love, the result is an emotion of the mind, and if the touch hurts, it is burning anger. From this it can be seen that zeal is not the highest degree of love, but is love burning” (CL 358).

“Within all love is fear and grief: fear that it might perish, and grief if it does perish. There is the like fear and grief in marriage love, but the fear and grief of this love is called zeal or jealousy” (CL 371).

Note here that anger may be tied to either grief or fear, that is, it may be the result of some injury or loss that occurred in the past or the result of some injury or loss that is anticipated. Several concepts should be clear from these teachings:

Anger is the product of love.
Anger results when the love is attacked or its delights destroyed.
Anger is an attempt to protect the enjoyment of a relationship with someone or something.
Anger results from hurt, grief or fear.

In order to understand our anger fully, we need to understand these other emotions that are tied to the anger or cause it. Asking yourself the following questions may help.

Is there some other emotion (hurt, fear, grief) connected with the anger?
What kind of love is behind the anger?
What does the anger show I care about?
What am I trying to protect?
Do I feel a threat to any relationship with someone or something?
Is there some delight or pleasure 1 have lost or may lose?

Understanding the other emotions associated with anger is important because it will help us decide how to respond to the anger. For example, you may find that in many cases, once you understand what it is you are trying to protect, the anger vanishes, because you realized that the issue is not important, or that the threat was only imagined. In other cases, you may realize that someone or something very important to you is being hurt and immediate action must be taken.

What is the conflict?

Conflict is one of the roots of anger. Passages already quoted show that anger is the result of an attack on one’s love. This implies that there is some kind of opposition or struggle between two forces.

“The cause of anger is everything that endeavors to destroy the delight of any love. It is called anger when evil assaults good, but zeal when good rebukes evil” (AC 2351).

“Wrath and anger are frequently mentioned in the Word, but in the internal sense they do not mean wrath and anger, but conflict. This is because whatever conflicts with any affection produces wrath or anger, so that in the internal sense they are simply conflicts” (AC 3614).

Often it is helpful in dealing with anger to define clearly and specifically what the conflict is that leads to the anger. Often there will be an obvious conflict between two people. Defining the issue is an important step to resolving the anger.

Anger at One’s Self

Sometimes self-examination will show that the conflict is an inner struggle between two forces within the person.

For example, you may be angry at yourself for not living up to your ideals, for having done something you regret. The anger may be tied to feelings of guilt or shame. On the other hand, when you have successfully struggled to do what you believe is right, you may feel angry about sacrifices you had to make along the way. You have won the battle but you are not sure it was worth it; you feel like a martyr. In both these cases, the conflict is inside you and the anger is inwardly directed.

One of the times a person may experience this inwardly directed anger is during temptation. Temptation is actually a struggle between two forces within a person, between the evil spirits and the angels who are with the person. Often someone in temptation may feel that the hells are winning, and he may become angry with the evil he sees in himself. “It is known to those who have been in temptations and combats that they perceive in themselves things which disagree. So long as there is combat, they cannot be separated from them; but still they desire separation, and sometimes to such a degree that they are angry with the evil, and desire to expel it” (AC 1580).

Temptations are conflicts between the good and the evil in a person, and they are also conflicts between the angels with a person and the evil spirits with him. The angels who are fighting for him are in zeal (see AC 8595), and the evil spirits who are attacking him are angry (see AC 2351). I suppose it is for this reason that anger when mentioned in the Word can mean temptation (see AC 9930:5).

During temptations the angry or frightened feelings of the evil spirits are felt by the person as his own (see AC 986, 4627:3, 5036). For example, Swedenborg experienced spirits who could “not only excite selfish desires, but also inflame them greatly, sometimes to shameful anger and insanity, which is apparent when a person is in a violent rage.” Swedenborg “knew no otherwise” than that it was from himself (SD 3782). I think of the man possessed by demons who came to the Lord for help. He fell down on his knees and said, “What have you got to do with me, Jesus?” (Luke 8:28). The evil spirits influencing the person were afraid and angry, and yet it appeared as if it were the possessed person’s anger.

The anger of evil spirits is directed against the good in him. The zeal of angels is directed against the evil in him. Both of these could be felt by the person as his own inwardly directed anger.

Not all inner struggles are temptations. Only spiritually growing people experience true spiritual temptations. In the case of a spiritually sick person, the inner struggles are more likely to be “devastations.” These take place when the good and true potentials that are in him from birth and upbringing are attacked and devastated by the growing cancers of contempt, revenge and lust.

I presume that this kind of conflict would also be likely to result in inwardly directed anger.

What am I thinking about?

The thoughts we have always spring from our feelings. “All a person’s thoughts are from the affections of his life’s love, and there are no thoughts whatever, nor can there be, except from them” (DP 193). “Delights govern a person’s thoughts, and the thoughts are nothing without them; but he thinks that they are only thoughts, when yet the thoughts are nothing but affections composed into forms”(DP 199). By examining our thoughts we can come to understand our feelings better. “A person examines the intentions of his will when he examines his thoughts, for in these the intentions make themselves manifest” (TCR 532).

Anger isn’t just a feeling. It brings a lot of thoughts with it. “When love is attacked, it rouses itself to anger in the understanding, this being done by means of various reasonings” (CL 360; see also AC 9144). Often the thoughts we have when we are angry are obviously angry thoughts. “I hate him. I’m gonna kill him.” Sometimes our thoughts are a result of anger even when they do not appear to be from anger. As we have seen, anger often hides itself under a pleasant exterior. Even when the anger is hidden, it will have an effect on our thoughts, but we may not immediately recognize the thoughts as being angry ones. For example, when we are inwardly angry, it may be expressed in our thoughts by:

Worrying. When we aren’t able to directly confront a person we are angry with, the anger may express itself in worried, anxious thoughts. “If there is no opportunity to resist, anxiety arises” (CL 361).
Lying. When unhealthy anger flows from the will into the understanding, it stirs up falsities (see AC 9144). When we tell lies, even though we may do it in a calm, sincere voice, it may spring from hidden anger.
Forgetting. Unhealthy anger not only spreads falsities throughout the mind, but it also obliterates the good and true thoughts we have (see AC 9244:2). People who have hidden anger may subtly sabotage others by forgetting the good things another has done or said, forgetting important appointments, forgetting where they have put things, forgetting promises, forgetting how to do simple tasks, and especially forgetting spiritual truths, like that the Lord loves everyone.
Thoughts of death. Some people find recurring thoughts of death coming into their minds. They may not be conscious of anger with another person, yet they find themselves frequently thinking of someone being in an accident, dying of cancer, etc.

The thoughts seem to come unbidden out of nowhere, but in reality, “All a person’s thoughts are from the affections of his life’s love” (DP 193), and unhealthy anger is closely connected to a desire to kill. “He who hates anyone kills him every moment” (AC 3182:2; cf. 1010:2, 2609e).

These are just a few examples of the many ways anger can subtly express itself in our thoughts. Paying attention to these thoughts can help us understand whom we are angry with, what we are angry about, or why we are experiencing the anger in the way we are.

Is the Anger Healthy or Unhealthy?

We have already discussed the fact that the Writings speak of both healthy anger (zeal) and unhealthy anger. It’s relatively easy to say that anger can be healthy. It is harder to determine which kind we are experiencing in a given moment.

Perhaps the most obvious way to distinguish different kinds of anger is by looking at the way they are expressed. We might look for certain behaviors that we could label as either healthy or unhealthy. For example, one might say that anger is unhealthy if it is expressed by physical violence. Or one might say that it is healthy to talk about one’s anger in a calm, rational manner.

There is some validity to such a distinction between healthy and unhealthy behavior, but we should be careful not to judge anger on the basis of the behavior alone. The essential difference between these two kinds of anger is the attitude and motivation behind it, rather than the way it is expressed. The Writings state repeatedly that the two kinds of anger may appear the same outwardly. It would be unfair to assume that healthy anger has to express itself in a calm, restrained way. A person may scream, shout, break or throw things, punch, kick or even kill someone from legitimate, defensive, healthy anger. This should be apparent if we consider a person whose life or family is being threatened by a murderer, rapist, etc.

The essential difference between healthy and unhealthy anger lies not in the behavior but in the motivation and attitudes involved. Before we judge the behavior, it is important to look at what is going on inside the person who is angry. One passage in the Writings explains three basic differences between unhealthy anger and healthy anger (or zeal). “It was said that in outer manifestation zeal appears as anger and wrath, both with those who are in a good love and with those who are in an evil love. But because the internals differ, the anger and wrath also differ” (CL 365). These differences are described in the next three questions.

1. Am I attacking or defending?

“The zeal of a good love is as a heavenly flame which never bursts out against another but only defends itself. And its defense against the evil person is as a defense, while the latter is rushing into the fire and being burned.

But the zeal of an evil love is like a hellish flame which bursts out spontaneously and rushes upon another and wills to consume him” (CL 365).

“A good man is solely in the . . . zeal of protecting; and rarely in any . . . zeal of attacking” (DP 252:2).

2. Am I holding onto resentments, or looking for reconciliation?

We can sometimes recognize unhealthy anger by how long it lasts. When we hold grudges and keep the anger around for a long time, it is an indication that we are not dealing with it in a healthy way.

“The zeal of a good love instantly dies down and becomes mild when the assailant withdraws from the attack; but the zeal of an evil love persists and is not extinguished” (CL 365).

“Even when there is reconciliation, these passions are still latent, like fire in the embers beneath the ashes; and these fires break out, if not in this world, yet after death” (CL 365).

“They who have genuine charity have a zeal for what is good; and in the external man this zeal may seem like anger and flaming fire; but its flame is extinguished . . . as soon as the adversary repents. Whereas with those who have no charity, the zeal is anger and hatred. . .”(TCR 408).

“Zeal that is like anger does not last long, but only until he against whom it is kindled repents and turns himself away from evil. Anger with the evil is different. Since it interiorly stores up in itself the hatred and revenge that they love, it lasts, and is rarely extinguished” (AE 693).

3. Am I trying to hurt or trying to help?

“The reason [why healthy anger dies down quickly] is that the internal of a person who is in the love of good is in itself mild, gentle, friendly, and benevolent. . . . Not so with the evil. With them the internal is combative, fierce, hard, breathing hatred and revenge, and it feeds itself on the delights of these passions” (CL 365).

We spoke earlier of other emotions, such as grief and hurt, that are connected to the anger. Sometimes identifying the other emotions that are connected with the anger will help determine whether the anger is healthy or unhealthy.

Some of the emotions or attitudes connected with unhealthy anger may be “intense desire for revenge” (CL 375), contempt (AE 920), hatred (AE 881, 693:4), thinking, willing intending evil to another (AE 693:8, 746:18), lack of caring (AC 355-359, 1010, 6356). The presence of contempt in unhealthy anger is indicated in the Lord’s comment: “Whoever is angry with his brother without cause is in danger of the judgment, and whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ [‘Worthless!’] shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire!” (Matthew 5:22).

Attitudes associated with healthy anger may include caring, goodness, mercy (see AE 693), friendliness and good will (see CL 365). Of course, feelings of indignation, zeal, jealousy, hurt, Pain and grief may accompany either healthy or unhealthy anger. Since healthy anger results from a good love, it is actually a sign that a person cares. People who really care for others have a zeal which “may seem like anger (TCR 408). A person’s charity “is known from his zeal for what is good and true, and just and right. He has charity if he is in zeal for punishing the evil for the end that they may become good” (SD 4547m). One reason why anger is a part of most close relationships is that we care a lot about those relationships, and when they are threatened or hurt, we feel angry. Perhaps we would not feel so angry or zealous if we did not care so much.

Unhealthy anger is the opposite: a sign of apathy. It means that “charity has departed,” that caring Is gone (AC 355-359, 1010, 6356). For example, it may mean that the person cares more about his possessions, ego, or pet project than he does for the people he associates with.

How do I express the anger? The essential distinctions between anger and zeal focus on inward motivation and attitude rather than outward behavior. It is of course quite possible, even likely, that the inner attitude will have an effect on the outward behavior. When the inner attitude is looking toward defending, reconciling, and helping, it may temper the angry behavior. “While for the purpose of defending itself his external is rough, bristles up, and erects itself and so acts with severity, yet it is tempered by means of the good which is in his internal” (CL 365).

Even though healthy anger or jealousy is a “fire blazing out,” it will be expressed in a manner that is “just and sane” based on the man’s wisdom: “It is evident that the zeal [of partners who love each other] is a just protection against adulteries. For this reason it is as a fire blazing out against violation and defending itself against it. From this it is evident that one who tenderly loves his partner is also jealous, but the jealousy is just and sane according to the man’s wisdom” (CL 371).

One passage states that “when internals are not seen, the zeals appear alike in their outer manifestation” (CL 363), implying that internals may be seen in some cases and not in others, consequently that healthy and unhealthy anger may appear alike in some cases and not in others.

Another passage describes the difference between healthy and unhealthy zealous behavior in preachers: “If [the delight] is of the love of evil . . . it excites a zeal which outwardly is harsh, rough, burning and flaming, and within there is anger, rage, and unmercifulness; but if it is of good. . .it is outwardly mild, smooth, thundering and flashing, and within there is charity, grace and mercy” (TCR 155:2).

To illustrate this difference, I would say that healthy anger would not as likely be expressed by sarcasm, profanity, obscenity, name-calling, and aggression. Still, we cannot judge a person’s anger simply by the violence of its expression. A person may express unhealthy resentments calmly and politely simply for the sake of appearances. Or on the other hand, a person may fall into sarcasm or obscenity out of habit or extreme frustration even when the anger itself is healthy. “Good spirits, when they are angry, sometimes burst forth all at once into such things as cannot be known to be different from what is from the worst. It sometimes happened that I have noticed certain dreadful things, supposing them the effusion of the worst spirits, but it appeared that they came from the upright when quickly angered, and indeed for the reason that they are not allowed to do good, thus they burst out into the opposite, through anger, as is also usually the case with an upright man when angry” (SD 3028).

Similarities

Both healthy and unhealthy anger

…are a product of one’s love.

…involve some kind of inner or outer conflict.

…may be associated with other emotions.

…may be violent in their expression.

Differences

HEALTHY ANGER	UNHEALTHY ANGER
belongs to good love	belongs to evil love
defensive	aggressive
dies down quickly after attack	smolders as resentment even after seeming reconciliation
inwardly merciful	inwardly vengeful
intends good	intends evil
a sign of caring	a sign of apathy
looks to a person’s salvation	looks to a person’s condemnation
just, wise	unjust, insane
outward anger is tempered by inward friendliness	outward friendliness is poisoned by hidden anger
focused on aggressor	vented at anyone or everyone
similar with men and women	women’s anger restrained, not accepted by men

Take Responsibility for Your Anger

This is the third of the three steps I suggest for dealing with anger. The first step, becoming aware of your anger and accepting it, focuses on being in touch with your feelings. The second step focuses on understanding your feelings. This third step is oriented toward making a decision and taking action as a result of the first two steps.

Taking responsibility for your anger can mean different things in different situations, depending on circumstances, the nature of your anger, and the kind of person you are. Some of the options listed below will apply to any kind of anger; others will apply only to specific kinds of anger or specific situations. I will leave it to you to decide which suggestion may be appropriate for your situation.

Don’t Feel Guilty; Take Responsibility!

A common response to angry feelings is guilty feelings. We may feel guilty because we believe that all anger is bad, or because we know our anger has hurt someone, or because we suspect that others disapprove of our anger. The Writings speak of guilt in both positive and negative ways. On the one hand, one should believe that evil is from hell, and “not appropriate evil to himself and make himself guilty of it”(DP 320). On the other hand, during repentance one is “to acknowledge his evils, to make himself guilty, and to condemn himself on account of them” (NJHD 160). Clearly these passages are referring to two different kinds of guilt, one unhealthy, the other healthy. Actually the Latin word for “guilty” (reus) could be translated as “responsible.” “Taking responsibility” is perhaps a better way to describe the healthy kind of guilt.

Feelings of guilt are one of the key weapons the hells use to destroy our spiritual life. They love to burden our consciences with things no one should feel guilty about (see AC 5386, 5724, SD 1240-1242), and to cause doubt and discouragement by bringing to mind our past evils (see AC 737). This kind of guilt may stop us from expressing the anger, yet it will not get to the root of the anger and will probably result in the anger increasing, because it does not lead to any real change.

The following chart is a summary of my own sense of the difference between feeling guilty and taking responsibility.

Feeling Guilty	Taking Responsibility
(unhealthy guilt)	(healthy guilt)
feeling of shame	feeling of humility, sorrow
desire to hide	willingness to confess
fear of admitting problem	facing up to problem
being paralyzed	getting mobilized
staying stuck	changing
looking backward	looking forward
asking, “Who is to blame?”	asking, “What can I do?”
feeling trapped	being free

Don’t Blame Others; Give Them Responsibility

One of the most common responses to anger is to blame. Blaming other people for their behavior involves an assumption that they are choosing to behave that way, and a judgment that they are bad for behaving that way. We blame other people for hurting us, we blame them for making us angry. Or if they are angry at us, we blame them for being angry.

Sometimes people will try to give up responsibility for their own anger by blaming others. They may say, “You are really making me angry.” They may be trying to get you to change so that they will not be angry. Whether or not you need to change your behavior, you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings. It is not up to you to make the person angry or make the person happy.

Giving another person responsibility means allowing him to make a decision when you are angry. Sometimes we get angry at other people, but we never confront them. We assume they are hurting us intentionally or we expect them to know what we are upset about by reading our minds. We resent them and blame them, but we do not clearly communicate our anger to them. They may sense that something is wrong in the relationship, and yet not have any idea that we are angry with them. The anger festers as hidden resentment. We may think, If I showed my anger he would just leave. Or, I’m sure she couldn’t care less whether I am angry. When we do this, we are deciding for the other person how he or she will respond to our anger.

This kind of behavior puts us in a trap. By blaming others for our anger, we tell ourselves, It’s his fault-I can’t do anything about it. When we fail to confront the other person, or fail to give him a real choice about how to respond to our anger, we are saying in effect, I know he doesn’t care-he would do the wrong thing anyway.

Of course the result is that no one does anything about the anger. Blaming and not giving responsibility is a sure way to stay stuck in your anger.

The desire to blame others comes from a lack of charity. “Those who have no charity . . . wish to try everyone and indeed to pass judgment on them. Their one desire is to discover what is evil in them, all the time having it in mind to condemn, punish, and torment. But those who have charity hardly notice the evil in another person, but instead notice all the goods and truths that are his; and on his evils and falsities they place a good interpretation” (AC 1079).

The Lord never blames and never gives credit. “The Divine Providence . . . does not appropriate good to anyone, for good would thus become meritorious; nor does it appropriate evil to anyone, for thus it would make him guilty of the evil” (DP 321).

Giving others responsibility also means allowing them to experience the consequences of their decisions. A woman is angry with her husband for abusing her, yet she keeps tolerating the abusive behavior in hopes that he may change if she just tries harder. He needs to experience the consequences of his behavior, whether that means getting locked out, coming home to an empty house, or going to jail.

Be Grateful

It is easier to deal with evil and hurt if we avoid unhealthy guilt and blame. This is based on the teaching that “If man believed, as is the truth, that all good and truth are from the Lord, and all evil and falsity from hell, he would not appropriate good to himself and make it meritorious, nor would he appropriate evil to himself and make himself guilty of it” (DP 320). The other side of this teaching is, of course, that we should avoid taking credit for the good we do.

Very often anger is associated with thoughts of “merit,” feelings that we deserve something for what we have done or been through, or that someone “owes” us. We might feel like a martyr: “Don’t you see how much I’ve suffered? Think of my needs!” We might feel like a saint: “Look how good I’ve been to you!” Or perhaps like a savior: “You would be nothing without me! Where’s your gratitude?” We have sweated, suffered and sacrificed, and now we feel we have a right to expect something back. We want what’s coming to us.

Usually all that comes is a big load of resentments. Chances are that the person we have been slaving and suffering for didn’t want to be slaved or suffered over, doesn’t have a lot of respect for martyrs and saints, and doesn’t feel like paying in kind for all our hurts and labor. So we feel cheated, hurt, resentful, angry. The painful way to have our needs met is to be a martyr or saint in order to maneuver someone else into taking care of us.

It’s more healthy to take care of our own needs so that the things we do for others are freely given.

The feeling that someone “owes” us destroys the free giving and receiving that is basic to a caring relationship. Placing merit in the work we do “conceals evils of which the doer is completely ignorant,” such as a denial of God’s working and grace in the person, looking for reward, destruction of love for the Lord and the neighbor, and the elimination of the joy of love freely given (see TCR 439).

The antidote for this is to acknowledge the Lord: “in the doing of charity a person does not place merit in works so long as he believes that all good is from the Lord” (ibid.). Believing that good is from the Lord means seeing it as a gift. Note that it says all good, not just the good that is given to us, but the good we do as we work; not just the good in ourselves, but the good in the other person too. Even the strength we have to sweat and withstand suffering is a gift from the Lord. Remembering this and believing it makes resentments melt away, and brings the joy of freely giving because we have freely received.

“If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? for even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Highest. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil” (Luke 6:33-35).

Look Beyond the Behavior

Many people “deal” with anger simply by avoiding any display of it. Their rule is “Anger is bad. Never show anger.” One of the problems to this approach is that it never gets to the root of the anger, never solves the problem, and leaves us open to the same kind of anger in the future. Simply looking at our angry behavior is not sufficient.

As we have seen earlier, the zeal of a good love and the zeal of an evil love may be expressed in similar behaviors. On the other hand, unhealthy anger may smolder beneath the surface unrecognized. For these reasons it is important that we look beyond the behavior to the attitudes and motives behind it.

“True repentance is examining not only the actions of one’s life, but also the intentions of one’s will . . . . It is the will and thought that sin when the body sins. A person can in fact repent of evils that he has done in body, and still think and will evil; but this is like cutting off the trunk of a bad tree, and leaving its root in the ground, from which the same bad tree grows up again, and spreads forth its branches” (TCR 532).

Recognize the Consequences of Anger

“For every idle word men may speak they will give account of it in the judgment” (Matt. 12:36). “Every least moment of a person’s life has a continuous series of consequences to eternity” (AC 3854:3, 6490, 5122e, SD 2483, 2629, 2714, 3403).

Anger is not “just words.” It is a powerful emotion. Anger can hurt. Anger can help. A father is angry with his young child and loses control. He beats the child. The mother watches but does nothing, trapped by her own shame, fear and lack of resources. The consequence of the father’s anger is that the child dies. But perhaps if the mother could have been in touch with her own anger, a healthy, zealous, protective anger, the child could have lived.

There are many other situations in which the hurt caused by anger is much less obvious and still quite devastating. When anger leads to insults, putdowns, name-calling or sarcasm, it can leave deep emotional scars, even though there was no physical hurt. On the other hand, if someone is being hurt emotionally or socially, healthy anger expressed assertively may bring the hurt to an end and pave the way for healing.

Make a Decision

Part of taking responsibility for your anger is deciding how to respond. Often anger is an automatic reaction to a situation. For some people the automatic response is yelling. Kids fight: yell, “Stop fighting!” Door open: yell, “Who left the door open?!” Anything happens: yell. Don’t think, just yell. For other people the automatic response is stewing, worrying. Why did she say that? How could she be so mean? How will I face her? What will I say? Boy, I’d like to tell her off. Over and over and over. Don’t think, just worry. Or the reaction might be to overeat, or to drink, or to withdraw, or to be violent.

The most precious gifts the Lord gives us, and the most important keys to dealing with anger, are freedom and rationality (see DP 71-99). Think things through, make a decision, and act on it. Change does not happen automatically. It only happens when we intentionally direct it. There are many possible ways to respond to our anger. Make your own choice about which one is best.

Focus on Yourself

Often our anger results from our needs not being met. If you did not get enough sleep, have not been eating right, have been working too hard, or are suffering in a relationship with someone else, you may feel anger that will not go away until those needs are met.

We often feel anger when anything or anyone hurts us or hurts someone we love. In distinguishing healthy anger from unhealthy anger, it was noted that healthy anger comes from a love for others, while unhealthy anger comes from a love of self. If this is applied superficially, it can be misleading. We may think that when we try to change others’ hurtful behavior it comes from a desire for their welfare, when in fact it may come from a need to control them (love of dominion), which is not healthy. Beneath the surface our reason for needing to change them may be so that we can maneuver them into meeting our needs.

We might think that it would be selfish if we were to stop being so concerned about changing the other person and pay attention to getting our needs met directly through our own efforts. However, it is healthier to meet our own needs for the sake of becoming more useful to others than it is to meet others’ needs with the hope that they will in turn serve us (see NJHD 97, 98, 150-158).

Take Action

One of the problems we have with anger is that it keeps coming back again and again. One of the reasons this may happen is that we may be constantly experiencing new situations and states in which there are new frustrations and threats. Another reason may be that we keep experiencing the same old threats, frustrations and pains over and over and over. If the same anger keeps coming up repeatedly, it may be due to a failure to act.

Many people deal with their anger emotionally and intellectually, but do not take any action as a result. Accepting and understanding anger can bring temporary quieting of the anger, but making a permanent change depends on actual implementation. “Charity and faith are only mental and perishable things unless they are focused on works and coexist in them when possible” (TCR 375). The following actions may help you deal with anger in a real and permanent way:

Try something different

I might shout at my kids for fighting with each other. When shouting doesn’t work, I keep on shouting, [shout more loudly. It takes me a while to realize that what I am doing is not working, and doing more of it simply means more failure. It’s the same sort of logic that says, if you can’t drive away a grizzly bear by hitting it once or twice with a flyswatter, try hitting it five or ten times.

Pray

Pray for the person you are angry with, or pray for the people you need to protect. Pray for help in understanding and directing your anger, or help in fleeing from angry spirits. Often it is difficult to pray about anger, either because we believe that the Lord does not accept anger, or because we are angry with the Lord and do not want to talk with Him. If we pray anyway, it may help us overcome those barriers.

Read the Word

Many places in the Word speak directly to issues of anger. You might try reading the chapter in Conjugial Love entitled “Jealousy,” or Apocalypse Explained 693.

Reading the Sermon on the Mount or the Psalms may be helpful too.

Make Amends

In the Old Testament there is a law: “if fire breaks out and catches in thorns, so that stacked grain, standing grain, or the field is consumed, he who kindled the fire shall surely make restitution” (Ex. 22:6). In the internal sense it is not talking about fire catching hold of thorns, but of anger flaming up, catching hold of sharp words or vicious thoughts, and destroying the fruits of other people’s labor (see AC 9143-9147). The commandment to make restitution applies especially to hurt that has been caused by anger (see AC 9 147). If you have hurt someone as a result of unhealthy anger, or if someone is angry with you because of something you did wrong, consider how you might right the wrong or in some way make it up to that person.

Convert Unhealthy Anger to Healthy Anger

The Writings sometimes speak of how a person’s negative characteristics can be converted into positive ones. For example, a person who tends to get angry may through regeneration become a person with great zeal (see SD 2351). In the section “Understand Your Anger” we described in some detail the differences between healthy and unhealthy anger. These differences have implications for helping you convert your anger to zeal.

Deal with the anger quickly. Healthy anger does not last long. Avoid holding grudges, mulling over ancient wounds, storing up the anger. As the Bible says. “Do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph. 4:26). Anger is a little like fresh fish. If you clean it up and serve it right away, it is quite good for you. If you keep it hanging around. though. it starts to stink pretty badly.
Act defensively. Healthy anger is not aggressive. Take whatever action is needed to protect innocent people, but avoid attacking another either directly or indirectly. Aggressive expression of anger may make a person “feel better” temporarily, but studies show that when anger is expressed aggressively, the aggressive behavior is reinforced, and is more likely to return (Alberti and Emmons, Your Perfect Right, p. 110).
Be ready to make up. Healthy anger has within it the intent to be friendly, to protect one’s relationships. Resist impulses to get revenge, and to express contempt or hate. Try to identify with caring, friendly, merciful feelings, if not while you are angry, at least afterwards. Think of the other person as your friend or at least a potential friend. Perhaps one reason you are angry is because you care a lot about the person.
Place limits on the expression of your anger. The expression of healthy anger is tempered by the inner good will. Avoid profanity, obscenity, sarcasm, insults, aggression or cruelty.
Be fair and reasonable. Healthy anger is “just and sane.” Try to understand both sides of the issue. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Look for ways to make it a win/win situation rather than a win/lose situation. Be willing to compromise on issues that are not essential.
Focus on the issue. Identify who or what is the occasion for your anger. Speak directly to the person involved, if possible, rather than venting your anger indiscriminately on the nearest or least threatening person.
Accept anger in women. Recognize that many people, especially women (who are often expected to be always “nice”), need to learn to express their anger more assertively. Holding the anger in because of fear of rejection may help a person survive, but it is not a sign of a healthy, honest and spiritually loving relationship.
Identify evils to avoid. Healthy anger is from good love, and unhealthy anger is from evil love. Often the unhealthy anger is tied to evils such as a desire for power, greed, adultery, excessive love for possessions, neurotic pride, various kinds of addiction, or the need to control other people for selfish purposes. Overcoming these or other evils will pave the way for healthier attitudes and desires, and therefore healthier anger, to take their place.
Try to help. Healthy anger has within it good will, a desire to help. Look for ways to help the person you are angry with. If the person has done something hurtful, the best way to help the person may be to allow him to be punished or to suffer the natural consequences of his actions (see TCR 408, AC 2417:7, 5008:3, 4730:3, 2447:3).

In other cases, you may be able to help a person more directly even while you are expressing anger with him.

There are many different actions that you might take. The action that is appropriate is more likely to be apparent to you if you have already made an effort to accept and understand your anger. Many of the following actions are appropriate in only a few situations, but they illustrate the wide range of options that may be available to you.

Call the Police if the person you are angry with is doing something illegal, like wife abuse or child abuse or destroying property.

Burn off Energy. Anger can generate a fight or flight response, pouring adrenalin into your body, preparing you for physical action. Work off this energy by running or racquetball.

Read Books. There are many books which may help you deal with anger. There are books specifically about anger, such as The Angry Book by Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin. Books about assertiveness, such as Your Perfect Right by Dr. Robert E. Alberti and Dr. Michael L. Emmons, may help you find positive ways to express your anger. Many books about parenting, marriage and interpersonal psychology and physical abuse deal with issues relating to anger as well.

Talk with Trusted Friends. Talking with others can give you perspective, emotional support, and time to think clearly. Use humor. Sometimes a tense, angry situation can be turned around with an appropriate joke.

Write an Honest, Open Letter. Document your anger. Put it in black and white so both you and the other person can see more clearly exactly what the issues are.

Talk Honestly with the Person(s) Involved. Often the issue can only be resolved by a face-to-face confrontation. In many cases this is the fastest and simplest way of dealing with anger. It is amazing how many people use this only as a last resort, or even hang onto their anger for years rather than face the person directly.

Separate Yourself from the Other Person. if someone is repeatedly abusing you or violating your space and your rights, you may be able to help the situation by physically removing yourself or the other person.

Get Counseling. You may not be able to fully accept and under stand your anger on your own, and there may be issues involved which require the counsel of a trained psychologist or physician.

Do Nothing. You may consider the options and decide that the best thing at present is to do nothing. If this is the case, do nothing consciously and decisively. Don’t settle on doing nothing simply because it is the easiest, most obvious or least risky solution.

There are many other options. File a lawsuit. Punch a pillow. Go for a long walk. Just say no. Quit your job. The list could go on and on. Keep in mind that many of these options would be quite inappropriate in many situations. Talking with friends may be mere gossip. The police cannot help if nothing illegal has been done. Humor may be hurtful sarcasm. Some people get counseling just to avoid talking directly to the person they are angry with. An action that is useful one time will be hurtful another.

The important thing is that you determine for yourself which action is appropriate and take that action. Don’t let yourself feel as if there are no options available to you, and don’t, on the other hand, let yourself get confused by so many options that you make no decision at all. Decide on a course of action and try it. Then if it doesn’t work, you can try something else. Often the best solution can only be found by trial and error.

The End of Anger

Most of us do not really enjoy being angry. Perhaps that is one reason why we often put off dealing with our anger. Even though anger can be healthy, it is certainly not a perfectly ideal state that we should be striving for. “Zeal is not the highest degree of love, but it is love burning” (CL 358). Sometimes it is easier to ignore our anger or push it aside rather than to accept it, understand it, and take responsibility for it. But the anger is there for a reason, and if we ignore it, it will damage our spiritual, emotional and possibly physical health.

Anger could be compared to pain. Pain is not pleasant, but it is there for a reason—it tells us that something is wrong, that we need to pay attention to part of our body. If we simply ignore the pain or mask it with painkillers, serious illness or injury could result. In the same way anger tells us there is something wrong that we need to pay attention to. If we ignore it, it will cause our well-being to suffer.

Even if the anger is unhealthy, it has a reason for being there. “Evils are permitted for a purpose, that there may be salvation.” “Unless a person were allowed to think according to his will’s love, which is implanted in him hereditarily, that love would remain shut in and would in no case come to the person’s sight; and when the love of evil does not appear, it is like an enemy in ambush, corrupt blood in an ulcer, poison in the blood, or corruption in the breast.

If these are kept shut in, they cause death. But indeed when a person is allowed to think the evils of his life’s love even so far as to the intention, they are cured by spiritual means, as diseases by natural means” (DP 281).

Anger is provided or tolerated by the Lord for the sake of healing. Wherever there is anger, there needs to be healing. When the anger is unhealthy, it is a block to a genuine relationship. When the anger is healthy, it is because something else is troubling the relationship. In either case, facing the anger can set the stage for freer communication and caring. We cannot experience the joy and peace of close relationships simply by “saying ‘Peace, peace!’ when there is no peace” (Jer. 6:14, 8:11)

Even more important than the fact that anger indicates a need for healing is the fact that anger is a promise that there can be healing. The presence of anger may be a sign that a relationship is in the process of improving, because

The Lord permits evil only when it can be turned to good.
The fact that there is anger often indicates that people still care about the relationship.
Anger brings out issues which otherwise might be hidden barriers between the people.

So when you are working on your anger, keep in mind the state of peace and reconciliation which is the goal of healthy anger, and the goal the Lord has for us. “These things I have spoken to you that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).